In Memoriam: my Eureka Boss Smart Vac (2007-2018)

You survived five cats, acre upon acre of cat hair coating the carpet and furniture, and an untold weight of scattered cat litter. Oh, and a couple of visiting dogs. Vac4

You survived being bashed into furniture, although we never did find that broken off piece of the HEPA filter cover.

You survived sucking up cat toys, cheerios, and maybe even a couple of earrings (yes – you’re still professing your innocence on that). Did you suck up that broken piece of the filter cover too?

You survived running over my toes (no – my toes have not forgiven you).

You survived being dragged up and down the stairs even though you weren’t really built for that.

You survived replacement part after replacement part, including off brand parts when I couldn’t find Eureka ones.

You even survived the great Douglas Fir tree disaster of Christmas 2012, and being subsequently disassembled as I dug out every f***ing Douglas Fir needle gumming up your innards. (Never again!)

But, alas, I fear you cannot survive this malfunction of the on/off switch. What we hoped was just a stuck switch was revealed to be a failure in the electrical wiring. (By the way, cracking open this section of the vacuum is NOT included in the owner’s manual – probably for good reason – so don’t try this at home, kids.)

Are the wires supposed to cross over one another? The upper wire appears to have rubbed off the black coating from the lower one. Vac1

More importantly, is the connector on the left supposed to look like that? or is the plastic melted through? (Yes, the vacuum was unplugged during this exploratory surgery.) Vac2

Today we admit defeat, beaten by exposed wires and melted plastic. Not even Consumer Reports’ 2007 top-rated vacuum for pet hair is a match for time and electrical shorts. And, so it sits in the corner, alone, while the cats celebrate the demise of the “monster” (silly kitties – they forget they get extra treats after being terrorized on vacuuming day).

We bid adieu to “The Boss.”

Boy does the carpet look terrible.

And I’m sure there’s still more of those f***ing Douglas Fir needles hiding in some crack or crevice.

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Adventures in Screenwriting

Ever have random story ideas pop in your head, but they’re incomplete and you don’t know what to do with them? Of course you have. The notion of writing a zombie story involving sisters and/or brothers has been in my head for a while. I even had the perfect opening line: “You ate mom!”MyDeadSisterPoster1BW

But I couldn’t decide who my characters should be or who would get zombified. I’d been thinking I’d go with one of the standard horror movie tropes: the cute young sisters, but then I saw “Train to Busan” (South Korea’s surprising hit entry into the zombie genre). Two of the supporting characters are elderly sisters, In-gil and Jon-gil. In their scenes we’re shown two siblings whose relationship doesn’t seem to be that close. There’s some bickering, a little bit of chastising. But then the two women are accidentally separated during a mad dash back to the safety of the train, leaving each woman with a different group of survivors. Then you see their despair, the devastation they feel in believing the other is dead. You see how alone each woman is without her sibling. There is one moment of hope when the sisters are almost re-united, but Jong-gil falls victim to the zombies. Defeated, and angry that the actions of others caused her sister’s death, In-gil deliberately opens the door to allow the zombies in, joining her sister in death (well, in un-death – is that a word?)

Then I had my story. I decided to cast my characters as in their early 50s (approximately the actual age of me and my real sister), better to relate to them as I explored their actions and their futures, or lack thereof. This also left the script open to throwing in a menopause joke – not a hot (flash) topic in many zombie movies. I know how zombified I felt before hormone replacement therapy and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one. Right, ladies? If you know what I mean, raise your hands (the one not holding onto an ice pack).

Instead of a short story, I decided to turn it into a super short screenplay and entered it into the 2018 Shriekfest Horror Film Festival, the longest running horror festival in Los Angeles, founded by actress Denise Gossett (considered to be one of the most influential women in horror). I’ve submitted five other times (not in consecutive years), and placed in the finals, then the semi-finals, then finals, then semi-finals, and then finals. (I’m sensing a pattern here.) When “My Dead Sister” made the list of finalists this year, not just a semi-finalist, I was really hoping to truly break the pattern, but, alas, was not the winner. Still, I enjoyed attending the festival first weekend of October. I saw some great films (like “Amy’s in the Freezer” – a dark-humored short  – and “Echoes of Fear” – which won best supernatural horror feature). Of course there were a couple that were not so terrific, but only one I had to walk out on to prevent its lighting effects from triggering a migraine (another thing that turns me into a zombie). And I truly enjoyed meeting so many other friendly and encouraging writers, some of whom were my competition of course, but were so warm and welcoming.

Before I close, and before my real sister think I actually wished she were a zombie and therefore, you know, dead, the siblings’ relationship portrayed in the script does not reflect reality (other than a particular detail I plucked from our childhood as key to the plot). But, if she was actually dead I wish she’d be a zombie because then she’d still be around so we can hang together and drink beer. Well, I’d drink the beer and she’d eat people. But eating people is kinda gross, so, umm, anyway, love ya sis!